By Megan Rigdon
Clinical Social Worker
When I had my first child, I remember feeling so overwhelmed with love. I felt that feeling all my mom friends had talked about. I saw her little face and it was love at first sight. I actually cried every time I looked at her because I loved her so intensely. Since then, though my trainings and certifications in women’s health, I have learned that I had what is called the “baby pinks.” It is the opposite of baby blues. I was almost obnoxiously overflowing with love and joy. After about two weeks, this subsided and I felt like my mood stabilized and I was myself again.
You can imagine my surprise when I had my second child and I did not have the “baby pinks.” I remember waiting and waiting for myself to feel that overwhelming sense of love for this new baby, but it was not coming. “I am exhausted,” I told myself. “You are still adjusting to two kids,” I told myself several weeks later. As the weeks went on, my thoughts grew darker and I felt more anxious and lonely. I didn’t even feel like any part of me was my true self anymore. Worst of all, I was not even sure I loved my child. Typing those words fills my eyes with tears and makes it hard to swallow. “How can a mother feel this way,” I wondered.
Eventually the darkness faded, my love for my child grew immensely, and the fog and sadness of that period of time is gone. As I continued educating myself and decided to get a certification in perinatal mood disorders (postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, postpartum bipolar, etc.), I realized that I had postpartum depression after the birth of my second child. There was nothing “wrong with me”, I wasn’t “the world’s worst mom” because I had horrible thoughts about my child. I was struggling to fight something that I knew nothing about.
There are several signs and symptoms that go along with postpartum depression. However, I think it is useful to identify three common symptoms that are often reported by those with postpartum depression. If you feel like these symptoms apply to you, and you are pregnant or less than 12 months postpartum, then it is very likely you have postpartum depression. While every individual will have a different postpartum depression experience, these symptoms are common to most peoples reported experiences.
Intrusive Thoughts and Images
Many women and men (yes, men can get postpartum depression too, so stay tuned for a future blog post) report having intrusive thoughts and images during the postpartum period. I use the term intrusive because these thoughts are often unpleasant and frequent. It can be difficult to talk about these thoughts because they can be frightening or graphic. They can involve harming your child, abandoning your child, or even images of an accident happening to your child. Evidence shows that men and women who have these thoughts are rarely a danger to their child, rather these thoughts are a manifestation of their fear and anxiety. Regardless, these thoughts are scary, and often parents do not feel they are safe to be left alone with their child. If you have intrusive thoughts and images in the postpartum period, I would highly recommend seeking support from a therapist.
Apathy
In the clinical world, when a client reports feeling a lack of motivation, lack of concern or care, and/or a lessened emotional connection with a person or interest, this usually leads a clinician to term this as apathy. As a postpartum parent, feeling apathetic can be intense. Society instill in us that parents should be ready to fill every need of your child, day or night. Your main goal is to keep your child safe and loved and have their basic needs met. However, a postpartum parent who is apathetic may be viewed as “lazy” or seem detached from their child. Sometimes the apathy is so extreme that parents report feeling too emotionally numb to care for their newborn.
Mood Swings
Sleep deprivation is one aspect of being a new parent. Lack of sleep brings irritability, moodiness, and clouded thinking. These are typical things new parents face. But there is a line when these expected symptoms cross into something that is more unpredictable. This is when you cross into mood swings. Mood swings are a big aspect of postpartum depression. They range from angry outbursts and rage, to uncontrollable crying episodes. The intensity of these swings is usually an indicator that there may be something more than being tired.
If you are a thinking about getting pregnant, are currently pregnant, a new mom/dad, a seasoned mom/dad, or a friend of someone who is fits these criteria, I hope you read and share this article. By sharing this article I hope that women and men who feel the way I felt, can find a little bit of hope that healing can happen.